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December 10, 2006

How to feel good in the morning

If you're like most people -- and I definitely am -- then you probably spend a lot of your day subconciouslly mulling over your deficiencies and desires. You wish you could have a car as nice as your neighbor. You feel a bit jealous when a friend describes her latest vacation. You resent your coworker for having more success than you on the job. The thoughts are so automatic, ingrained, and routine that you probably don't even notice them most of the time.

You're interested in having all of those things because they make you happy -- for a little while, anyway. But they are not happiness themselves, and so going after them directly is merely treating symptoms, not the underlying cause. Most self-help, "obtain your dreams" type of books, though, go after exactly that -- finding a way to fix the symptoms. I think this is particularly dangerous, because if you try whatever system the book is pushing, and you don't reach your dreams (or if you backslide), you essentially reinforce your desire for those things and your belief that you cannot attain them. In short, you increase your mental and emotional baggage.

I'm not at all suggesting that working towards your goals is a bad thing -- indeed, doing so is a very good thing. I'm merely suggesting that we should take a closer look at the way we approach the problem.

A while back someone suggested to me the goal-setting self-help book "Your Best Year Yet! " by Jinny Ditzler. It's a good goal setting book; far better than many, since it recommends building your goals out from your underlying values.

The real gem of the book lies in the chaper on discovering your values. There Ditzler talks about life pursuits, and how they're generally characterized either the the question "How do I prove myself?" or the question "What can I do with the gifts I have?" Lives characterized by the latter questions are much more full and fulfilling.

That second question really resonated with me, perhaps because I don't take that approach very often. So, I started a new habit: for the past couple of weeks, while I shower in the morning, I ask myself "What can I do today with the gifts and talents I have?" I can tell you that from the very first day I started asking this question, it's had a profoundly good effect on my day. I start from a position of strength. Instead of starting with my usual uninspiring morning thoughts (like "What chores do I have to do today?"), I'm almost instantly in a good mood.

This goodness may be in part due to the phrasing of the question -- by asking what you can do with the gifts you have, you feel generous with your life and energy and skills. Generosity is energizing and inspiring. And best of all, your generosity attracts the generosity of others, forming a wonderfully virtuous circle.

February 06, 2006

Fear, Courage, and the Expanding of Life

You've had this experience, haven't you? You wanted to do something -- take dance lessons, let's say -- but you were afraid to for some reason. Perhaps you didn't even consciously admit your were afraid -- you might have just rationalized it away. "I would take dance lessons, but I'm just too busy at work." Adults don't like to apply the word "fear" to themselves.

When you stick with the rationalization and don't take the action you want to, how do you feel? Small, right? But how do you feel when you do manage to overcome that little fear? Not only do you immediately feel good, but taking the action often opens you up to a whole new set of experiences. Your personal world got bigger.

The French author Anais Nin summed this up beautifully when she wrote, "Life expands or contracts in direct proportion to one's courage." That's a nice mantra to repeat to yourself when you're feeling hesitant to take action. It reminds you that, if you don't take action, things aren't going to remain the same -- you're going to become a smaller person. Hesitate enough and you'll eventually wilt.

So, what's one thing you've been putting off out of fear, consciously or not? Armed with Nin's advice, are you willing to take a little risk to become a bigger person?

January 20, 2006

On Running After One's Hat

Inconvenience, irritation, and frustration seem to rule our daily lives. Someone cuts you off while driving; the person ahead of you in the coffee shop gets the last bagel; your garbage disposal breaks; and so on. Life sometimes seems to be an endless parade of problems. So why wouldn't we be irritated?

I, like many people, wrestle with this regularly. But a while back, I ran across an amazing little essay called "On Running After One's Hat" by G. K. Chesterton, from his collection of essays All Things Considered. The essay's writing is far more beautiful than I can describe, so I'll just reprint it in full below so you can read it yourself. What I got out of it is this: when something happens, you have a moment, just a split second, to decide how you want to emotionally react to the situation. You can see it as amusing, or you can see it as impossibly frustrating. Many people, myself included, have been conditioned to tilt towards "impossibly frustrating", and it's so ingrained that we no longer realize that we have a choice.

But the choice is there, and despite our conditioning, we can choose to see things in an amusing light. The pessimists out there might argue that that approach is not correct, that having a leaking pipe because the plumber installed it improperly does call for irritation. Amusement might not be correct, but it is useful. Irritation will not make you happy. Amusement, "incorrect" though it may be, will. You still take care of the plumber, but you do it in a happier state of mind.

So read this essay and carry it with you into the weekend. The next time a problem comes up, decide to have fun with it. Happiness is yours for the taking. It may take some work, but you'll get the hang of it.


I feel an almost savage envy on hearing that London has been flooded in my absence, while I am in the mere country. My own Battersea has been, I understand, particularly favoured as a meeting of the waters. Battersea was already, as I need hardly say, the most beautiful of human localities. Now that it has the additional splendour of great sheets of water, there must be something quite incomparable in the landscape (or waterscape) of my own romantic town. Battersea must be a vision of Venice. The boat that brought the meat from the butcher's must have shot along those lanes of rippling silver with the strange smoothness of the gondola. The greengrocer who brought cabbages to the corner of the Latchmere Road must have leant upon the oar with the unearthly grace of the gondolier. There is nothing so perfectly poetical as an island; and when a district is flooded it becomes an archipelago.

Some consider such romantic views of flood or fire slightly lacking in reality. But really this romantic view of such inconveniences is quite as practical as the other. The true optimist who sees in such things an opportunity for enjoyment is quite as logical and much more sensible than the ordinary "Indignant Ratepayer" who sees in them an opportunity for grumbling. Real pain, as in the case of being burnt at Smithfield or having a toothache, is a positive thing; it can be supported, but scarcely enjoyed. But, after all, our toothaches are the exception, and as for being burnt at Smithfield, it only happens to us at the very longest intervals. And most of the inconveniences that make men swear or women cry are really sentimental or imaginative inconveniences--things altogether of the mind. For instance, we often hear grown-up people complaining of having to hang about a railway station and wait for a train. Did you ever hear a small boy complain of having to hang about a railway station and wait for a train? No; for to him to be inside a railway station is to be inside a cavern of wonder and a palace of poetical pleasures. Because to him the red light and the green light on the signal are like a new sun and a new moon. Because to him when the wooden arm of the signal falls down suddenly, it is as if a great king had thrown down his staff as a signal and started a shrieking tournament of trains. I myself am of little boys' habit in this matter. They also serve who only stand and wait for the two fifteen. Their meditations may be full of rich and fruitful things. Many of the most purple hours of my life have been passed at Clapham Junction, which is now, I suppose, under water. I have been there in many moods so fixed and mystical that the water might well have come up to my waist before I noticed it particularly. But in the case of all such annoyances, as I have said, everything depends upon the emotional point of view. You can safely apply the test to almost every one of the things that are currently talked of as the typical nuisance of daily life.

For instance, there is a current impression that it is unpleasant to have to run after one's hat. Why should it be unpleasant to the well-ordered and pious mind? Not merely because it is running, and running exhausts one. The same people run much faster in games and sports. The same people run much more eagerly after an uninteresting, little leather ball than they will after a nice silk hat. There is an idea that it is humiliating to run after one's hat; and when people say it is humiliating they mean that it is comic. It certainly is comic; but man is a very comic creature, and most of the things he does are comic--eating, for instance. And the most comic things of all are exactly the things that are most worth doing--such as making love. A man running after a hat is not half so ridiculous as a man running after a wife.

Now a man could, if he felt rightly in the matter, run after his hat with the manliest ardour and the most sacred joy. He might regard himself as a jolly huntsman pursuing a wild animal, for certainly no animal could be wilder. In fact, I am inclined to believe that hat-hunting on windy days will be the sport of the upper classes in the future. There will be a meet of ladies and gentlemen on some high ground on a gusty morning. They will be told that the professional attendants have started a hat in such-and-such a thicket, or whatever be the technical term. Notice that this employment will in the fullest degree combine sport with humanitarianism. The hunters would feel that they were not inflicting pain. Nay, they would feel that they were inflicting pleasure, rich, almost riotous pleasure, upon the people who were looking on. When last I saw an old gentleman running after his hat in Hyde Park, I told him that a heart so benevolent as his ought to be filled with peace and thanks at the thought of how much unaffected pleasure his every gesture and bodily attitude were at that moment giving to the crowd.

The same principle can be applied to every other typical domestic worry. A gentleman trying to get a fly out of the milk or a piece of cork out of his glass of wine often imagines himself to be irritated. Let him think for a moment of the patience of anglers sitting by dark pools, and let his soul be immediately irradiated with gratification and repose. Again, I have known some people of very modern views driven by their distress to the use of theological terms to which they attached no doctrinal significance, merely because a drawer was jammed tight and they could not pull it out. A friend of mine was particularly afflicted in this way. Every day his drawer was jammed, and every day in consequence it was something else that rhymes to it. But I pointed out to him that this sense of wrong was really subjective and relative; it rested entirely upon the assumption that the drawer could, should, and would come out easily. "But if," I said, "you picture to yourself that you are pulling against some powerful and oppressive enemy, the struggle will become merely exciting and not exasperating. Imagine that you are tugging up a lifeboat out of the sea. Imagine that you are roping up a fellow-creature out of an Alpine crevass. Imagine even that you are a boy again and engaged in a tug-of-war between French and English." Shortly after saying this I left him; but I have no doubt at all that my words bore the best possible fruit. I have no doubt that every day of his life he hangs on to the handle of that drawer with a flushed face and eyes bright with battle, uttering encouraging shouts to himself, and seeming to hear all round him the roar of an applauding ring.

So I do not think that it is altogether fanciful or incredible to suppose that even the floods in London may be accepted and enjoyed poetically. Nothing beyond inconvenience seems really to have been caused by them; and inconvenience, as I have said, is only one aspect, and that the most unimaginative and accidental aspect of a really romantic situation. An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered. The water that girdled the houses and shops of London must, if anything, have only increased their previous witchery and wonder. For as the Roman Catholic priest in the story said: "Wine is good with everything except water," and on a similar principle, water is good with everything except wine.

January 17, 2006

Older than I once was, but younger than I'll be

As you go about your day today, take some time to reflect on who you'll be 20, 30, 50 or more years from now. Don't think about "success" -- I'll be living on an island after selling my brilliant idea to MegaCorp! -- but rather the simple, small things. What do you think your days will be like? How about your nights? How will you want others to treat you? How will you feel about young people just starting out? What will your idea of fun be? Will you still like the things you like now, or will your tastes have changed over the years?

January 11, 2006

Attention, everyone

As you find yourself in our ever more harried world, smitten with the self-importance of a go-go lifestyle and the idea of continuous partial attention, consider this statement from the great scientist Isaac Newton:

"If I have ever made any valuable discoveries, it has been owing more to patient attention than to any other talent."

What do you think about that? Do you think patient, focused attention is at the core of greatness? Or, perhaps this was true in Newton's age, but not anymore? If patient attention is becoming more rare, does that make it more valuable, or does it put you out of touch with the rest of the world?

Suppose you were raising a child today. Would you find it more important that the child learns to deal with constant, multiple streams of information, or learns how to sit and think quietly?

January 04, 2006

A small meditation on our possessions

After the excesses of the holiday season, we offer a little thought to carry around for the day. There is an old Zen teaching that you cannot afford to have anything that you cannot afford to lose. How do you feel about that? Do you find it useful or impractical? Do you think it's an ideal to strive for? Does it apply to more than just material things, such as relationships? And what about beliefs? Should you be willing to abandon beliefs that are too deeply held? If someone were able to definitively disprove your religious beliefs tomorrow, what do you imagine your reaction would be?